etude of a menagerie on the milky way

Ever think of that time when somebody knocked down the urn holding the ashes of their dead friend, and then think how it wouldn’t be completely out of character for a particular someone to do the same, even though none of his friends are dead? Then you get reminded of a fan-fic you’ve read several months ago, in which his good friend has actually died? And then you realize that all of this is just you delaying the collab episode that you didn’t have the time to watch the day it was uploaded, only to realize that the person you were thinking of didn’t fix the error in the title of the same video? Yeah... Later on, you think how good the idea of someone sitting next to the ashes of their dearly departed, good friend is, story-wise? It has the potential for *so* much angst and it’s amazing. Ooh, you know what I just thought of? If I ever was at the colosseum, imagine how oblivious everyone would be, that I, the shy, sweet little girl has beef against that one person. You know the one. That obliviousness would be the most guilty-pleasure-esque thing and it would be something I would never get enough of. Hahah, scandalous. But, would they know? How I desperately want to be with him? How I find him to be emotional support? Another little secret. Is it more or less scandalous? Who knows. Just imagine if it had some sort of relevance to the colosseum one year. Imagine me, confessing my love to him, and everyone in a 10 foot radiance (is that the right word) would be shocked. The chat would be like, “holy crap!!!!” Whether or not the one in question has been through at least something similar is another story, but... What if it wasn’t during a segment, but a sketch? It would have me and him in it, (probably) and out of the blue, I pop the question, and he (and anyone else) would be shook. Yeah, I may only be fantasizing. But still. If you’re too social-phobic to go find a potential boyfriend, why not fantasize it? I dunno, man. Being together with someone just sounds magical. Knowing someone who understands you as much as you understand them? Sign me the hell up! Keep on dreaming. 7-1-19 🌟

Y’know, there’s something wonderful about them near the beginning. Like, it was not an unusual thing for people like them to get a million views on their videos. But, do you know what’s really wonderful? Fanfics written around that time. I am a sucker for those. As long as they’re not shipping fanfics, sign me up! Anyways, as of late, I’ve been writing and living off of white rice. Mmm, white rice. Oh, right. America Day is soon. Fun. I’ll try to watch that one vlog on that day. Y’know what I should incorporate into what I’m writing on? A character who’s suddenly scary and nice at the same time. Like, an absurdly nice person with a freaky aura who can snap at any second. Ooh, nice. I bet Deviant Art is a gold mine of the kind of fan-fics I like. I remember a more fictional one about a self-insert protag meeting him after the lights go out in the hotel the both of them are staying at. Probably. Like, the lights go out, (4:20!) a couple of ghosts fly by, and then he appears. Anyways, that scary/nice thing. I need to work that in soon. Hmm, yeah. I’m really tired and I can’t really think anymore, for now anyway. Keep on dreaming. 7-2-19🌟 (ever thought of the name Terry, and your mind flashes back to literally everyone you know with that name? Yeah... anyways, it's such an odd predicament having withdrawals of his content even though he's already uploading that. Like, I feed on his videos, but I just don't want to go through 10+ episodes of a boring RPG. Send help.)

Y’know, I think not understanding acting is a total autism thing. Like, someone could be acting, and I wouldn’t notice. Like, how does one even act? That goes for voice-acting or putting on a voice. Like, how do you do that? Anyways, I just passed up an entire hour-long thing that my mom was oblivious to on TV and I feel pretty damn guilty. It’s Monty Python related and I missed it. God dammit. But, I did see something on TV that I’ve seen during the same vlog I’m planning to watch tomorrow. I can’t wait to get over the 4th of July. After that, the only thing I have to worry about is the inevitable, life-threatening, first day of school. Yay. I wish I was able to record the hour-long thing without anyone noticing. Anyways, I really hate how boring the game he’s currently playing is. Like I said before, I know you really like it, and a lot of people do as well, but I just don’t. I’m sorry, man. I really am. But do you know what I do really like? Vlogs featuring them!!! God, I am a sucker for those. I say that, while not watching them in months. There’s just been a shortage of them lately, okay? One day I should just straight-up binge those vlogs. At least there’s a collab going on. It may not be as chill like the Pikmin or Link to the Past collabs, but at least it’s not the colosseum. What would he think about me not liking the colosseum? The world may never know. He might understand, since it’s a sensory thing. Speaking of the Pikmin and Link to the Past collabs, I just can’t wait for the next one like that. It’s gonna be great. Ooh, right. I just realized that there’s gonna be another convention soon. Which hopefully means vlogs. I was just reminded of a thing during lunch my middle school counselor kept on reminding me of. It was this one thing in the Industrial Arts room where people go to during lunch to play board games or something. Knowing me, it would be humiliating to learn how to play when you’re too shy and would much rather eat instead. Besides, don’t you need to speak during board games? Haha, yeah. I’ll pass. (Make sure you get those earplugs, man. If you don’t, you’re gonna die.) Keep on dreaming. 7-3-19🌟(ever suddenly wanted to have the energy and the self confidence to make up a dance routine to the Pikachu Song? Yeah... Wouldn’t it be funny if the first exchange of words between him and I was: Him: “What do you want signed?” Me: “My heart.” Just a thought.)

I just looked through my latest school binder, and I kinda wish I drew more. Drew more unorthodox things to keep my mind away from what nonsensical difficulties I’m forced to listen to. Like, could you dumb it waaaaay down, please? There’s two things I need to do if I have to suffer through the beginning of 10th grade: draw instead of paying attention and answer things brutally honestly. That’s gonna be downright hell, the beginning of 10th grade. Like, am I gonna go to a different school? If I go to the same one, I swear to god. The amount I have to walk between classes is physical hell and Pokémon Go heaven. But, I really am paranoid if someone catches me (Did you see that, “catch”? It’s funny because it’s Pokémon, a game where you catch Pokémon. Anyways...) playing that. Mostly because spontaneous conversations scare me, and I don’t wanna get heckled for playing a game that was popular three years ago. (And yet, I still am fond of Splatoon, a game released three years ago.) That reminds me of when I arrived late on the first real day of school, and some staff member spotted me, and guided me to the counselor. I don’t remember this part, until the counselor lady gave me things to draw with. I didn’t really know what to draw (duh) so I drew a Kirby. While I was drawing the Kirby, she asked if I was drawing Jigglypuff. I was like, “um, no.” She kept talking about Pokémon, asked if I was familiar with it, and mentioned how her and the other counselors were big fans. I obviously didn’t answer, because I am 100% nonverbal in situations like these and my clearest memory of Pokémon was during his Black/White Let’s Play during the Hiker Dance thing during that one episode. So, it probably should’ve been difficult explaining that. I have kind of a lot of vague memories of 9th grade. I can’t really think of any, but I do remember being both remarkably tired and also practically crying in the middle of math. Also, when people were reading their responses to a prompt in English, and a bunch of people were comforting each other... for some reason. I was just like, “yeah, ‘kay. Whatever.” Like, who cares? Keep on dreaming. 7-5-19🌟

(idea: coin the term Freaky Fiction) Another Thrown Controllers video was uploaded today and I thought: A.) How tempting it was to read the comments without watching the video itself, B.) How odd it was to see him in a grey sweater instead of the striped polo he wears 80% of the time, and C.) The utter concept of one of these videos’ thumbnail being me hugging him tightly. Holy crap. Anyways, today didn’t feel like Sunday. It felt like the normal Saturday I was robbed of. Thank god I got all of that rice yesterday. If I haven’t, I’d be close to starvation. Speaking of yesterday, it started weird. I woke up at 7 and couldn’t get back to sleep until 11 because I was too busy writing. Anyways, I’m pretty goddamn sure that we’re going to Seattle at the same goddamn time as the Final Splatfest. Looks like I have to shoehorn an all-nighter like I did last time. Oh well. Speaking of Seattle, I just keep on getting reminded of a book I’ve read that takes place over there. And the utter magic of him passing by me in downtown Seattle. I remember standing in a hotel lobby and thinking, what if I met those three, right here, in this lobby? That reminds me of that one day after that one Christmas in 2013 when I was new to them and absolutely enamored. Like, there was an actually thriving community. Especially on Deviant Art. Speaking of which... well, there’s obviously not much that’s new, but there’s something, I guess. I remember all of the fan art, and the fan fics, and the comics... Like, I wish I had my old kindle to access that fan art I saved on it. That reminds me... Okay, I just read over a diary entry from January 13, 2014 and I was so annoying in it. But, I was raving over them, so... Speaking of old diary entries, I once had a small, red diary that I freakin’ cherished, but I misplaced it one day. To this day, I wish I was able to find it. Seriously. I keep having dreams in which I did. ...Jeez, did I really only talk about them during this whole time? Not surprised. I’ve gotta add that I found the same community from 2011-2014 on Tumblr, which is a goldmine I’m tempted to delve deep in. This is gonna be fun! Keep on Dreaming. 7-7-19 🌟 (lordy lordy picca, peace and love, and all that jazz.)

Okay, so. I was watching a live stream and it was all fine and dandy until the streamer got kinda personal, and what he was saying made me think about myself. Near tears, I realized that I strive when anything’s familiar to me, I literally haven’t changed in these last 10 years, and that I need constant emotional support. In addition to that, I get really upset when things don’t go my way, and that there’s nobody that I’ve opened up to, because I’ve never grown comfortable, safe, or familiar with anyone. Jesus Christ, I need mental help. And constant emotional support. On the bright side, he also said something that was actually kind of inspirational and encouraging. He said that he enjoys it when he sees people doing things they enjoy and I think that’s absolutely wonderful and increases the “holy crap, I really want friends like those three” meter by kind of a lot. Which brings up this question: Why is the only person on the entire planet that I’ve grown familiar with on the other side of the country and impossible to see in person?? Well, anyways, I just saw a behind the scenes video for the colosseum sketches. Nice. I gotta watch it after I wake up. It’s suddenly 5 am. Keep on dreaming. 7-9-19🌟(Me? Thinking of catching up on his current project? Just a passing thought... no way I possibly could, considering the amount of episodes and my lack of interest. Anyways, I actually cried during that stream, because someone there told the story of their grandmother dying. Some of the things said in that story were kinda messed up to be honest.)

Y’know what I find odd? I go through a lot of different things like bands, games, movies, whatever, but one thing in common is that I rarely ever hang around the fandom’s content creators and fandom in general. In fact, I find multi-fandom people, especially people who adore shipping, to be super annoying. (Hello, and welcome to 1AM’s Trivial Complaining.) It’s probably just a me thing, but I usually have less interest in things when it’s mostly fictional. If something about it is real, it feels more authentic and less fake. Whenever someone I’ve known for several years says something reassuring, I’d most likely be like, “okay, thanks for saying that.” But, whenever I see someone on tumblr saying, “it’s gonna be okey! uwu” I’m like, “please get the hell away from me, I don’t know you.” To make a long story short, annoyingly quirky art/theatre kids are annoying as all hell and carry terrible vibes. That is all. Anyways, I just didn’t get around watching that behind the scenes colosseum thing. I whole-heartedly blame that weird energy I get whenever I manage to watch part of it. That weird energy I could only describe as “cheesiness” Like, how else am I supposed to describe it? It’s the weird cheesiness energy. Like, how can a charity stream have that kind of energy? Hopefully I can get through that stupid energy. Yeah, anyways, the other day, there was a new Pokémon trailer. Something interesting was that the types of Gym Leaders were different depending on if you were playing Sword or Shield. Shield’s Leader is a cute, shy little ghost boy named Allister, and I really like him. I swear I could almost see myself in him, too. Speaking of Pokémon Sword and Shield, if the Elite 4 are at least references to The Beatles, I’m gonna freak out. It would be absolutely amazing. I’d freak out to any and all references to that band in the game. Might I mention that Allister is the main reason that I’m considering getting Shield? Y’know, perhaps we’ll see any of the thought processing behind any of those sketches in the behind the scenes thing. Keep on dreaming. 7-10-19 🌟 (alright, I think it’s time to stomach through it... Like, anyone would be like, “you don’t have to watch it if you don’t wanna”, but I find it interesting, despite that energy. Anyways... I just clicked it and I realized: Is all of his vlogs usually that long? Like, this one in particular is 24 minutes long. Thoughts throughout the video: A.) One minute in, and he’s in this rental car, picking up people along the way, and when I realized that, I was like... holy crap!! B.) almost 5 minutes in, and now he’s touring the rental house(?) and it’s pretty damn big. Wouldn’t be surprised if someone like me got lost in it. C.) 6? Minutes, he’s now picking up more people, but from the airport. Holy crap. D.) Half past 7 minutes. Now, I think he’s actually showing the actual behind the scenes thing. I’m quite tempted to look through the comments. E.) 8 minutes on the dot, now he’s showing the fresh, uncut version of what I initially thought to be a parody of the Friends opening. I still remember how wonderfully Mr. Blue Sky and Nine in the Afternoon fit with the final version. The Monty Python flashbacks are happening already... as I am too tired to watch the rest of it.)

Y’know, I was watching an Animal Crossing stream, and I kinda realized something. There’s something cute and interesting about to-do lists and, dare I say it, bullet journals. I may or may not actually look into those, because holy crap... Of course, I wouldn’t be surprised if I didn’t adapt into it. Like, at first it seems interesting, but it just makes me realize that my life isn’t fit for things like this and how I prefer the spontaneous “just do whatever” approach. Schedules are a no-no for me, honestly. Why would I plan to do something boring? I’d rather do things that I’m in the mood for, rather than things I have to do, to be honest. (yeah! 4:20) Anyways, this weekend should be interesting. It’s the weekend before the Seattle trip, which has to be interesting. Packing and shopping for road trips are always fun. Hopefully I can get the bag I want. Oh, right. I was just thinking how in that suddenly emotional stream, the streamer was talking about doing the thing that makes you happy. It made me think how I didn’t really have anything like that; something that I was passionate about. Maybe it’s meeting him. Maybe it’s learning how to play the bass guitar or the piano. Maybe it’s moving back to California. Maybe I do have it, but I just haven’t realized it. Only the future knows. Yeah, anyways. There’s a new vlog for the colosseum. Let me see what it’s mostly about. It’s more behind the scenes. Let’s see if I can actually watch the whole thing... (ooh, it’s going to be about the sketches. Maybe we’ll see any thought processing behind any of them. Or outtakes.) Yeah, so I literally just only read through the comments and I kept seeing how everyone missed the colosseum. I was like, “yeah, nevermind.” It’s 5 in the morning. Gotta sleep. Keep on dreaming. 7-11-19🌟

I just had a .5 second envision where I was talking to someone and they asked me: “You were insecure once? How?” And I just thought “!!!” Like, in the midst of figuring out what I’m passionate for, my insecurity gets Thanos’d? Ahhh!!! This sounds absolutely wonderful! Future self, I hope you did that already!! Yeah, anyways. Before I was listening to Britney Spears’ Toxic on loop, (me? Listening to Britney Spears? Weird.) I had a thought: “Is there anything I need to do before next weekend?” Well, yes. I need to beg my mom for Nintendo Switch Online... I need to get that bag, some gum, get some more yummy white rice... Man, I really want a rice cooker. (ever skim through a wiki article on rice cookers? yeah.) There’s not much that I need to do other than the ones just listed. But I obviously need to pack sometime soon. I don’t really know what, though. Hmmm, rice rice rice rice rice rice rice rice rice rice rice rice rice rice rice rice rice rice rice rice rice rice rice rice. Can’t really think, but it’s 5 in the morning. Keep on dreaming. 7-12-19 🌟

Good morning. It is once again time for the 5 am Predicament. Today on the 5 am Predicament, I realize how odd it is that I don’t know the exact day we’re leaving for Seattle. Anyways, I should totally pack a book. I did that when we went to Disneyland back in March, and the last time we went to Seattle, so why not? I just need to not get carsick. Ooh, and I need to bring my 3DS. It’s Seattle, so some people still might bring theirs, right? I also need to do my annual re-watch of his Mario Sunshine let’s play. I should watch it over there. Anyways, I sure hope tomorrow doesn’t let me down. Damn, it’s almost 6. Keep on dreaming. 7-13-19🌟

Y’know, I was just watching a review of Into the Spider-Verse (don’t worry, I’ve already seen it on Netflix) and something kinda stuck out to me. (is that a pun or am I just tired) There’s a scene near the beginning where the main main character is expressing himself through art. It just makes me want to draw and just go crazy with markers or crayons or whatever. Like, writing the word “breathtaking” in cyan-colored whatever and just have a complete spectrum of colors surrounding it. (i can’t really think when I have “Toxic” by Britney Spears stuck in my head for the second day in a row. It feels longer than two days, but go off i guess) Anyways, I find it odd that I keep collecting these messages that are supposed to be meaningful and heartfelt like candy, but I’ve never even touched them or used them in the way they were intended. Also, I just feel not a single second of emotion out of any of them, or even think of them. Like, somebody would be telling me some story of perseverance or whatnot and I just think, “yeah, whatever. Go off, I guess.” without a single drop of emotion. Perhaps I became numb somehow to things like that. Or maybe something replaced the thing that makes me care about things like that with complete disinterest. Anyways, today was kinda disappointing. I didn’t go to Starbucks, the mall, Target... but I did get my beloved white rice and everything is fine. Also, the day we’re going to Seattle is super unclear, which is kinda odd. Guess I should ask my mom when I wake up. Keep on dreaming. 7-14-19🌟

Welp, looks like we’re leaving for Seattle tomorrow morning. Yeah, that’s weirdly sudden. It’s about as weird as the fact that I literally can’t feel any anticipation or excitement right now. I know that there’s not a lot of emotions I can feel, but come oooon. This better change soon. Hopefully I can get a last minute plate of white rice. Well, there isn’t much to add. Keep on dreaming. 7-16-19🌟

So, for the first day, we went to the mall. The drive itself wasn't as bad as the first day of driving to Disneyland earlier this year. This one was a little quick, and the only inconvenience was a minor headache. Anyways, the mall. This is a mall that I've never been to before, but it was probably the best one I've ever been to in my life. Like, name another mall that has Lush, Daiso, the Disney Store, and a freaking Seafood Market! Jesus! The best part was either when my brother and I noticed a Pokémon Center, or when I saw a bunch of Splatoon and Pokémon merchandise and totally freaked out. That's when I realized that I was kind of a weeb. Which is not that surprising. God, I want to visit that mall over and over again. I bet it would be absolutely amazing during Christmas. Well, tomorrow, we're going to the zoo. I don't really remember it, since it's been awhile since I last went. I do remember seeing a toucan that I really like. Keep on dreaming. 7-17-19 🌟 (happy 64th, Disneyland! Speaking of which, I remember having a sudden need of going back to Disneyland on the way here...)

Well, before I start talking about the zoo, I saw a vlog. I looked at it's title and I thought it would be one I would cry over. There's no way I'm going to cry when there's people who would notice nearby. I'm going to watch it later and see. Yeah, anyways, the zoo. It was pretty great and my favorite parts were the butterflies and the toucan. Seriously, you could almost hear the clicky sound it's beak makes. After the zoo, we went back to the mall for food. Well, it looks like my mind is totally blank. Keep on dreaming. 7-18-19 🌟

You know what I realized earlier today? The fact that I have about a little more than a month of absolute peace until Back to School season shows it’s ugly, disgusting, terrifying face. Like, whyyyy...? 10th grade is gonna be an absolute nightmare, if I’m even forced to go. Uuuuggghhhh. I would be over-the-moon happy if I didn’t even attend school this September. Yeah, anyways, yesterday, I was in the mood for their older stuff. Like, it was the first thing I thought of when I woke up. There’s something about it that’s irresistible. Don’t know what, though. Speaking of which, how did people know his entire name? Is he just that well-known, or...? (reading some text post on Tumblr and then being sucker-punched by his whole name in the middle of the post isn’t uncommon, y’know.) Anyways, it’s almost August, and the month itself is a big blank cloud of fog. Like, what are we gonna do that month? There’s the meteor shower, but other than that, who knows? Well, I can’t really think anymore, so... Keep on dreaming. 7-23-19🌟 (maybe I crave their older stuff because it's the only memory I have of those years. just a thought.)

Okay, so I attempted to watch today’s collab episode, but he literally just brought up that the previous conversation in which he thought that Monty Python’s Flying Circus was a kid’s show. Him thinking that was completely expected, but to get one of your favorite TV shows completely name-dropped (by your favorite person) was completely unexpected. I haven’t watched the rest of the episode because I was info-dumping about Monty Python to an invisible entity. Don’t worry, this happens all the time, to quote Bill Wurtz’s “history of the entire world, i guess” Okay, okay. I needed to get that all out. Time to watch the rest, normally. (You thought Monty Python’s Flying Circus was a kid’s show? Please, go off...) Yeah, so... It’s much later and... the new school year is seriously starting to creep closer to me. Honestly, I don’t know how to feel. Like, during the January Yet Another High School Thing™ (4:20!!) I vaguely remember something about being in a singular room being brought up. Like, I’m kinda okay with school if I’m in a singular room all day. Can’t I re-live 5th Grade instead? I’ll do anything to go back. I just remembered how much I hated bringing lunch to school. I never knew if I ate too much or too little. I can even remember what I had for lunch: ham and cheese sandwich, pretzels, seaweed, and sour gummy snakes. Why do I remember that so vividly? Oh, god. You know the shed neighborhood? Imagine that during December, the peak of the lengthy rainy season. I’d probably be slip-sliding away. Ugh, I hate the stupid shed neighborhood. Just hurry up so I can be indoors all the time. Oh, right. The three things I should do, should I actually risk my life to go over there: screw around folding origami, drawing, and answer every question on schoolwork in a brutally honest way. (Oh, no. I just remembered it. The paranoia. The grades. The pressure... Oh, god, please. Noooo.) September isn’t going to be that pleasant, is it? Oh, boy. Keep on dreaming. 7-25-19🌟

I just can’t get the fact that he thought Monty Python’s Flying Circus was a kid’s show based off of the title. Like, how did he know about it in the first place? Like, right when he said that, I imagined myself explaining to him why it’s precisely not a kid’s show. Anyways, earlier I just had an absolutely insane thought. What if school this time wasn’t as unpleasant as I remember it being? What if I had something miraculous happen over there? The place where I’m deemed a definite problem child? (new bucket list item: sitting with him and watching Monty Python’s Flying Circus) Keep on dreaming. 7-26-19🌟(we better get rice this weekend)

Y’know, I’m in a really weird, really sudden Sailor Moon mood right now. Like, I was going to find a different manga to read, but I’m fine with Sailor Moon. Mostly because the character I was designing a dress for reminds me of her. Yeah, anyways. It feels like recently, I feel like I’m predicting something, but that something turns out to be completely wrong. Like, what kind of weird form of Murphy’s Law is this? I also really need to clean my room. Before September, hopefully. Oh, god. Imagine an actually pleasant school day. Like, I’m sent home with a pleasant school day where something, well, pleasant happened. Like, if the friends thing I was swooning over actually came true. Witchcraft. That’s what that is. But, do you know what would be even more pleasant? If I went through the entire, first full week of September without going to school. Absolutely blissful, magical, and all that jazz. All of the teachers who teach all the classes I was supposed to go to are all confused, and then there’s me, sleeping the day away. 5 am, seriously? Keep on dreaming. 7-27-19🌟 (please let tomorrow be interesting)