etude of a menagerie on the milky way

I feel super worried about something that obviously won't happen. Here. Let me list it out:

1. Playing a board game or a card game with someone
2. Singing karaoke with someone
3. Playing anything with someone

Ugh, it's so scary but it won't even happen! Which is why I watch people do it instead. Because when I do what was listed, I get paralyzed by fear and anxiety. Don't forget paranoia.

Speaking of which, I watched a new vlog with a karaoke session and it was glorious. I only recognized half of the songs, but some gems were including, but not limited to:

• Bohemian Rhapsody (which I kinda wanna watch in theaters)
• Mr. Blue Sky

and of course...

• 500 Miles

If I was magically anxiety-free, I would sing All Star, but would much rather watch than participate. Ugh, my mind is blank. Keep on dreaming. 11-1-18 🌟

I can't freaking sleep, but I'll tell you about this dream I had last night. It was about a beachside town and it was beautiful and I would really want to live there. I wonder if the day I was born has any significant meaning to him. I'm rather curious. I also can't wait to see all the lights on the roofs of the stores and what not. That's how you know that it's Christmas. Y'know, when I had that IEP meeting two months ago, someone there brought up the idea of me being autistic. I wonder if I am. It would make me more similar to him, which would be pretty great. Maybe we'll go to the mall tomorrow, that'd be great. Keep on dreaming. 11-2-18🌟

we won another game, so it's been pretty great today. Had a pretty good round of ranked matches in Splatoon. I just can't wait to see that usual Christmas aesthetic. Keep on dreaming. 11-3-18🌟

so, I had yet another dream last night. And yet again, it was about California. But, this time, it was all beautiful and slightly realistic, if I could even call it that. Also had a slight taste of the absolutely wonderful Holiday Shopping Season(tm) and I seriously can't wait to actually get to it. I also made some aesthetically pleasing lockscreens and I love them so much. Keep on dreaming. 11-4-18🌟

a list of Disney songs I wouldn't be able go through without crying:

• Once upon a dream
• Remember Me (technically Pixar)
• When You Wish Upon a Star
• Baby Mine
• When she loved me (again, technically Pixar)
• You'll be in my heart
• A dream is a wish your heart makes

Had an overwhelming day. Got Starbucks, so that's cool, I guess. Just realized that my life is some weird sort of Cinderella situation. Still in the part where I continue believing. Please let my dreams come true... Keep on dreaming. 11-6-18 🌟 (p.s. it's 3 am and I can't get my mind off of he... i love he... I wouldn't be surprised if he was my prince charming. Ah, the prince charming to my Cinderella... he... question: does friend lower your levels of nausea?)

today we had a memorial assembly for the students who previously went to my school and then fought in war. Right before it, I got reminded of the Thousand Oaks shooting from a couple days ago. That hit me and close to home. Hard. So, I got close to tears twice during the assembly. I think other people did, too. It felt somber and melancholic during that first period. Always remember.

Anyways, on a way brighter note, we went to Target and saw a bunch of Christmas decorations. I got a new cup and some Starbucks, too. It's now time for me to sleep, and enjoy a longer weekend! Alright! Keep on dreaming. 11-9-18🌟

So, I was looking through his playlists for an episode I wasn't able to find without looking it up, and I found We Are Number One as the thumbnail for his likes playlist!!!! I freaked out!! Let me look through the playlist... I wonder if there's any high quality rips in it... (ugh! it makes me feel like i'm about to invade his privacy!)

Alright, I got back from that, and it's contents were pretty normal and there were memes, which was pretty cool. I didn't go through the entirety of it, but I was pretty content with what I've seen so far. (Ow, my neck hurts) Keep on dreaming. 11-10-18🌟

do you wanna know what I really want right about now? A friend. Like, someone who I can be around and not feel exhausted. Someone who I can talk about anything with. But not really, because I am sooo awkward. And insecure. It's early in the morning and I can't sleep. I just want it to be Saturday already. We might be going to the aquarium sometime soon, which should be cool. I guess. How can an awkward selective mute like me that has no conversing experience get a singular friend? Or a boyfriend, if we were to take it that far, not like I have the bravery to. Ugh... What a predicament. Keep on dreaming. 11-14-18🌟 (hey, google? Can you find me someone who I can send the lyrics of Happy Together and You're My Best Friend to and really mean it? Like, that's what I want for Christmas. Probably even more than the new smash bros game. Y'know, sometimes I wish I could go across the country to his house... I feel like he would take care of me better, but that's just ridiculous. I could be a little assistant for him.)

So, my brother introduced me to Panic! At the Disco via three songs that have music videos with a story through all of them which is so! cool! We were chatting about the lyrics of the last song and the symbolism of them and I'm super interested!

Anyways, we went to the mall earlier and it was really great. I got a good amount of things, including but not limited to:

• Woomy plushie!
• Candy!
• Sanitizer!
• Scent!

Hhhhh, today's been great. Keep on dreaming. 11-17-18 🌟 (just remembered that I saw a California licence plate and an Arizona one next to each other in the mall parking lot. Could this be foreshadowing anything? Also just remembered that I also saw my mom pull up a document which was my Christmas list! Gotta update it now! Hehehe.)

so, today's thanksgiving. Nice. Saw the Macy's parade and the Dog Show which was pretty great. The way to the restaurant where we get the food was really pretty with the clouds and rain. There was some pretty nice representation during the parade, but do you wanna know what kinda representation I want? Selective mutism representation. Like, canon, genuine representation. Next holiday is Christmas! Hell yeah. Keep on dreaming. 11-22-18🌟

tomorrow is the last day of the break which suuuuuucks. Like, I only went to school once this week and I'm really scared about upcoming standardized tests. Like, I've been attending school for half of the year and I don't know what's even going on anymore!!! I feel like I've already screwed everything up and I'm really scared.

BUT! On a much, much, brighter note, a new let's play has finally been announced and it's Yoshi's Wooly World. (called it) Assuming it has cutesy vibes like Kirby's Epic Yarn, I seriously needed this. Since I don't have magical abilities, I can't make all of my troubles and anxieties disappear with a wave of my magic wand, this'll do. (But I sure wish I could. Sprinkle in some world peace and everything is good in the world. If only.)

You know what I just remembered? In 4th/5th grade there was this guest speaker at school who was talking about no bullying, and we spent the entire day in the gym doing a bunch of activities. At the end, we were giving friendship bracelets to one another. Which sucked because I got no more than 3. If we did this at school now, I would (probably, but there's not really a chance) only get one. From that one girl who finally realized that I'm mute. Ugh, being a loner and my love-hate relationship with it... Eh, maybe I'll cry about this then I'll fall asleep. I hate it, man. I hate it.

Sometimes I wish I was in 2005 California, when life was much, much, much, more relaxed and simple. When the world was more relaxed and simple. Just sitting around, listening to classic rock and r&b from the 90's. Not having a care in the world. Staring at the clouds in the big blue sky. That's all I want in life. And that's why I want to move back to California. But dreams... they all come true eventually, right? I'm sure of it. Keep on dreaming. 11-24-18 🌟 (hold on... Cinderella was the name of that avenue where we lived, and I'm kinda like Cinderella... I think it's meant to be.) P.S. Do you know what I just realized? The utter glee I would have if my mom announced that we were moving over there. Talk about a dream come true. Almost everything would become familiar again and life would be great.

I need immense positive and optimistic vibes, like ASAP. It's 4 in the morning and I'm crying over quotes about dreams because I was planning to choose one for a mobile wallpaper and I just couldn't choose one because I would feel insanely bad. So I just screencapped some and now they're in their own little folder. Yay. (4:20!!!! Yay.) I absolutely can't wait for the next uploads.

I will move to California.

I will meet him.

I will travel the world.

I will overcome selective mutism.

I will publish my writing for everyone.

And that's the tea. The scalding hot tea of my dreams.

Keep on dreaming. 11-27-18🌟

today was depressing, I'll leave it at that. But, he uploaded today and we get to see a new cute short to watch at the end of the episode, which is great! Oh, and we won another game today, which is also great. But, guess what would also be great: heavy snow sometime soon. Come on, weather gods. I know you can do it. Keep on dreaming. 11-28-18🌟