etude of a menagerie on the milky way

well, I've done it again. My motivation to go to school has ran out of fuel mid-semester again. At the beginning of high school. Well, there's always online school even though my mind hates reading walls of text. And there's always the silent hours of 8 am through 3 pm. Maybe we'll go on a serendipitous road trip to California again, because I miss it dearly. (If you couldn't tell already.) And I get much more time to myself, too. The continuous feelings that I have during school hours have finally drifted away and it's bittersweet. Maybe I'll actually get my own laptop for school. That would be great. Come on, weather gods, give us a snow storm. Keep on dreaming. 12(!!)-3-18🌟

P.S: I just briefly thought that moving to California was a pipe dream and then Dream On started playing. It's meant to be. Dream on 'til your dreams come true.

So, I had a dream. A million pictures of him and others were everywhere in light of a tournament style stream recorded from a convention. And the stream was larger than life.

Anyways, I’m quite worried about something. Smash Ultimate was preordered in October and it comes out tomorrow. My question is: will I receive it tomorrow or on Christmas? I really hope that I’ll receive it tomorrow, I don't wanna get spoiled. But I do want a week-long snow storm. I won’t shut up about it until I do. Keep on dreaming. 12-6-18🌟

So, today was Smash Ultimate day, and it felt great to finally play the game the same day it came out. I haven't unlocked all 70-something fighters, but the ones that I want most are:

Oh, right! Earlier today I saw a good screenshot from the streams from May with everyone there, and it looked like a family portrait. It made me really happy to see everyone! Oh, and snow! I want snow! Keep on dreaming. 12-7-18🌟

You know what I just realized? If I wasn't social-phobic, and with a boost of confidence, I could be a powerhouse. A historic powerhouse. Getting my name all over the news as I show the existence of selective mutism and the ever-living hell of the American public school system. It's only a realization and quite of a stretch, but who knows? He could even, at last, know that I exist. Moving on, there was something a little bit magical about last sunday. It was all rainy as we were going back home and the drive back was so soothing. Oh, right, and during a Saturday afternoon game, I came downstairs and noticed that we were winning by 3 points. I made some pancakes and we scored twice when I was doing that. Amazing, man. And, I was also reading a fanfic about him becoming mayor of someplace. Even though it's only a fanfic, he has my vote! Snow! I want snow! A big freaking snowstorm! Keep on dreaming. 12-10-18🌟

you know what I find weird? The fact that I am knowledgeable of what his entire name is. Like, how? How do I know that we have the same first and last initials? How do I know his middle name? How do I know that his parents were divorced just by looking at his name? Still, a mystery it is.

Anyways, tomorrow morning is time for Another High School Thing™ that I'm worried about. It's supposed to be a meeting and my dad is going, too. Which sucks, since he has absolutely no clue about my selective mutism. Hah, hopefully I can just oversleep and just let my dad go over there since I'm at that part where I absolutely cannot afford to show my face there. I mean, I don't have to actually go to school that day, so... Oh, man, I'm worried. How about some snow, winter and weather gods? Keep on dreaming. 12-11-18🌟

So, I just tried to find a sketchbook, but to no avail. But, I did come across a journal in which I wrote a (somewhat what of a) love letter to you-know-who. I didn't dare go through it due to a high chance of cringe. However, I did see: "I love you, dearly and sincerely. -ER ♥” Or something like that. (I almost thought that there was an earthquake going on and I would just bank it to the nearest table and pray for my life. But, there wasn't.) I felt a bit emotional about Santa Claus and later about something else. I was likely about to start crying about something as well, which is slowly becoming a weekly thing. (Oh boy, 3am.) Meh, I'm feeling pretty tired, so I'm gonna go to sleep. Oh, and we got donuts. I want some snow, too. Keep on dreaming. 12-14-18 🌟

Okay, so it's raining really hard and I'm kinda excited for it. It's supposed to be power outage-worthy. I really hope that it'll be like that one chapter in Yotsuba&! with the typhoon. Except for the power outage. That can happen on a summer night with a new moon. Then I'll be able to see the Milky Way, and check off a bucket list item.

Earlier today I was looking through Google Maps at the Santa Barbara area (hoo, it's getting rough) to locate the stores I would go to in case I were to somehow pursue my dreams. Ooh, maybe that'll convince my mom to go there. That's all I want. A serendipitous road trip to Santa Barbara.

I can't believe that Christmas is next week. Like, seriously. I would also like some snow, please and thank you. Keep on dreaming. 12-17-18🌟

So. Christmas is in five days. How? But, might I mention that last night I got a notification for a reply to a comment of mine... that the comment somehow had 95 likes?! The fact that it was on one of his videos almost put me in cardiac arrest. Man, I wonder if he knows that I exist. I also wonder if we're ever going to get any snow sometime in the next two months. Reminder that I should review what I got for Christmas. Keep on dreaming. 12-20-18 🌟

Technically, Christmas is in two days. Yet, I feel like something's missing. Is it the video that I only watch during the 23rd? Is it the holiday spirit? What am I missing here? Like, I got a couple of bouts of excitement, but that's all. Man, I almost feel like Charlie Brown. Oh, right. If we don't get snow sometime in the next two months, I'm going to cry. Maybe that's what I'm missing. A good ol' snow storm. Now that Winter started, and that Christmas is in a couple of days, I want snow more than ever. Keep on dreaming. 12-22-18 🌟 (just got hooked on an interview with he... I'm obsessed with him talking about himself... well, there goes sleep. Seriously, my mind is on that interview. It's even in a series of interviews... it's a Christmas miracle...)

Okay, so I watched that one traditional video, and it was nice seeing everyone else who's in the tradition. But, something was on my mind for most of today. It's on him and his past. Earlier, I was watching a reuploaded 50 facts video about him, and some of the facts were pretty brave of him to mention. (It was a sense of bravery like the one I'll never have...) Like, for example, the one who got him into Pokémon actually became an enemy of his. Whoever they were actually died in 9th grade, which is a sad example of karma. And that the reason why he's an only child is because his mother suffered multiple miscarriages... I spent the next couple of hours thinking about how depressing his childhood was, and how surprising it was knowing how cheerful and bright he was in his videos. Nothing but pure affection, sympathy, and respect for him. Also, him mentioning that he was mute for the first few years of his life felt like a bit of validation for a selective mute weirdo like me... even though it's a little bit different. I'm dreaming of a big snow storm. Keep on dreaming. 12-23-18 🌟 (I wonder how he's still alive... I also wonder what his dad would think of him now. Assuming that he hasn't seen him in over a decade, we will never know. I'm also surprised that he even exists... How could someone with such a cheerful, positive vibe have such a depressing childhood? It'll always be a mystery.)

It is 5 am on Christmas morning and I can't go back to sleep. Why can't the time go faster? I just wanna see the presents, especially the ones for me. If my brothers weren't audible from the other room, I'd actually try to sleep right now. I am actually quite tired, so... will keep you posted.

6:30am: So, basically we finished sorting presents and seeing what we got in our stockings, and it's going pretty great so far. Got a couple necklaces, new gloves, and a warm hat. I also got a thing of blackberry lemonade and I wanna try it.

10:15am: Alright, so we did the presents thing, and I gotta say, I almost feel like he pitched in, since I have, oh, y’know, a new laptop and tablet. Man, I feel so spoiled out of all things. It’s quite a bit overwhelming. But, yay! New laptop! The true Christmas Miracle is that A: I’m mysteriously still alive, and B: I know of his existence. I also seriously need to clean my room for New Year’s.

That’s all, I think. Next holiday is New Year’s and I should clean my room before that. I still want some snow. For my birthday, perhaps? Keep on dreaming. 12-25-18🌟

so, lately I've been noticing something. I swear that I seem to be showing barely any emotion at all. I haven't been surprised, I haven't been excited about anything, just absolutely no emotion. I'm lost. I'm lost in life, to be honest with ya. I'm not passionate about something, I don't feel motivated to start something new, I just feel entirely lost. Like, what am I going to do during these next years? It'll come, eventually. But I do feel that he... he and his existence doesn't feel real in a mysterious way. He almost feels like something from a dream of mine. A romantic, blissful dream of mine. All I want is that dream to come true in front of my eyes like magic, like snow in the middle of the night. (which I could go for right now) Keep on dreaming. 12-26-18 🌟

So, earlier today my parents were talking about Disneyland, the Staples Center, possibly actually going there for once, and all of that magical stuff. But, how I really got into this funk that I have right now, is because I looked up the location of filming for a movie I really like called Little Miss Sunshine. I looked up the hotel where the beauty pageant was taking place, and the pier where a different scene was taking place. The pictures taken of the pier, from and not from the movie itself were absolutely beautiful, so I read an article about the town where the hotel and pier was, Ventura. Now I really want to move there. Really really badly. I want to see the stars and sunset with my (non-existent) boyfriend. I want to watch the Perseids go by on that same pier, too. It’s like something that I’ve seen in a dream. It seems so beautiful and chillax, and somehow so familiar to me. Literally, anywhere among that part of the coast is breathtaking and I dream of living there. Bucket list item acquired, I guess? But first, I wanna experience some major snow here for once. Keep on dreaming. 12-27-18 🌟

January: Pop! Team! Epic! At last, actually participating in a Splatfest!

February: It’s time to dance! Let’s enjoy a concert and some snow, too!

March: Happy Birthday, let’s playing career! It’s been 10 years? Huh?

April: Vacation time, hell yeah! And a slight dance with anxiety.

May: Colosseum time! My eyes are glued to the screen!

June: Literally everything. (octo expansion, E3, Incredibles 2, and descending...)

July: It’s heating up. Let’s go stargazing! But, I’m not getting personal. You are!

August: Time to chill. It’s the calm before the storm.

September: But I don’t waaaaanna go to college... Who are these people, anyway?

October: I don’t wanna go to school, either. But, it is he...

November: This freaking drags. I give up.

December: Emotion? What’s that? I wanna move to California instead.

It seriously doesn’t feel like New Year’s Eve. But it is somehow. My resolution... to stay alive, I guess? And maybe move to California. You’ll never know. Keep on dreaming. 12-31-18 🌟 (There’s a million things that are telling me that 2019 is gonna be a really great year!!!! I sure hope it is!!!)